Thursday, May 21, 2015

The thing I don’t want to talk about

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I don’t want to talk about this mysterious and debilitating pain in my joints that has been plaguing me ever since I came down with the flu for the first time in years.

I don’t want to talk about how, in the past week, I’ve barely been able to walk or sit, let alone play with my kids or get outside to run. Heck, I can’t even do yoga.

I don’t want to talk about the guilt from seeing My Guy step in for all the things I can’t do for my family or myself, like getting the girls ready in the morning, making dinner (or breakfast or lunch!), picking them up from school, laundry, dishes, groceries, every *#@&$^@^ thing, although I do want to say just how AMAZING he has been for being there for us every time we’ve needed him.

I don’t want to think about what’s wrong with me, although I can’t help it. Hours of poring over pages and pages on the Internet gave me a Fibromyalgia scare that had me in tears for days. So yeah, not only do I not want to talk about that, I don’t ever want to do that again either because the strain from worrying is bad enough, but the stress from a wrong self-diagnosis was much, much worse. But not knowing? That’s killing me too.

I don’t want to talk about the desperation - and even the betrayal - I feel, not knowing what is happening to my own body. A desperation that has led me to try acupuncture, cupping, and Chinese herbal medicine for the first time because the June 30 appointment with the Rheumatologist seems forever away.

I don’t want to talk about how it feels to see my family bustling around me and I’m helpless to join them. How my heart breaks a little each time I say no to a request to see the fort the girls built, watch the birds with them, tuck them in their beds. Because it physically hurts. And this guilt is emotionally draining.

I don’t want to talk about this crippling fear I get occasionally - what if this never goes away? what if this gets worse? what if...what if...what if <all the worse things that can happen> is happening right now?

I don’t want to talk about how it feels better today than it did yesterday, and I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’ve seen that light before only it was extinguished the next day when the pain didn’t just linger but was magnified.

I don’t want to talk about this hope that appears in and out of focus with each day, depending on what my body has in store for me, and it can get exhausting, trying to lift myself off of my own despair with this hope. Maybe I’m on the mend, maybe it’s a fluke, maybe it’s all going away...

I don’t want to talk about how I’ve been waking up every morning disappointed because well, it still feels like hell, and I have to force myself to painfully endure all the things I love doing and could usually do with ease for another day.

I don’t want to talk about any of the awful stuff, hoping that staying positive will do the trick, hanging on to whatever fucking platitude that will get me through the moment - this too shall pass, we will get through it - but I guess I’m failing spectacularly on that front too, just like the way my body is failing me.

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Don’t be fooled; pain can look like this.

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