Monday, March 7, 2011

Top 10 reasons why being pregnant is…

SelfPortraitsAreHard

I’m a week away from the seventh month of my pregnancy and the waddle is beginning to take full possession of my usual harried gait. While that doesn’t sound so thrilling, I think I’m enjoying being pregnant. Since I’m an avid list maker (though not necessarily list follower or completer), thought I’d put together my top 10 reasons why being pregnant is awesome. You know, for those of us who need a little reminder why being inconvenienced for about nine months is da shit:

1. More ego fluffing. Random people stop me and tell me how cute I look with my belly; for an attention whore like me, that makes me happy. Incidentally, the bigger my belly gets, the more compliments I receive. I could either delude myself into thinking that I am hot stuff or that people (mostly women, of course) understand the beating your self-esteem gets once the waddle sets in and you no longer feel confident about your appearance because of the amount of spandex you’ve been wearing so they generously overcompensate for your sake. Because some people are nice like that. (Thank you!)

2. Sucking my gut in can suck it. Beauty magazines often cite you can instantly look 10 pounds thinner just by sucking in your belly! Except, well, that’s moot now. With the inevitable 30 pounds in my future, who am I trying to kid, really? And so I let it hang. And it. feels. great.

3. People are generally kinder to me. It seems like folks are more likely to hold the door for me, offer to carry my groceries or to let me have the right of way these days due to my condition. But mind you, this only happens when I’m pregnant pregnant - like looking like I’m smuggling a watermelon pregnant.  And when someone is actually paying attention to the fact. Case in point: The Chicago el is still full of riders who prefer to avert their eyes from other passengers to avoid awkward moments like seeming like a jerk for not giving up their seat for those of us who need it more than they do. Apparently, being clueless is less of a crime than being inconsiderate.

4. Built-in portion control. Before the pregnancy, I had issues with judging just how much I should eat. I never really know my perfect portion size, so when in doubt, I go for broke. Then I curse myself for overeating. Now with a little being taking up more space and moving in where my stomach used to be, I find it impossible to overindulge without feeling like I will explode at any moment. Probably a good thing since eating for two really is a giant misperception. The little bean only requires an additional 300 calories a day, not the 3,000 like some hope think.

5. A moratorium on dishwashing duties. Maybe? Pretty please? A protruding belly also means it’s harder for me to do the dishes. No, really, hear me out! My sink is at the same height as the furthest point of my belly and with each growing inch, my pots and pans have become rather unwieldy. I’m hoping this means I get to skip this arduous task altogether, although sadly, in our “equal partnership” household, pregnancy is no Get Out of Jail Free card. Ugh. Equal schmequal. What happened to chivalry? Oh right, that’s back when men don’t lift a finger even when their wives are in labor, let alone merely seven months pregnant. 

6. Horizontal stripes are my friends. Fashion faux pas be damned. When your resemblance is more hippo, less human, you stop caring about what stripes does to your body. Believe me, at this point, the stripes are the distraction I need to draw the attention from one cupcake too many (due to my self-destructive urge to fervently believe in the eating for two myth).

7. TBD

8. TBD

9. TBD

10. TBD

Fine, so this list needs work. I’m at the beginning of my third trimester, hoping to fast forward these last few months because I can’t wait to meet the new addition to our family. Even Little Miss sometimes looks at my belly with longing and asks, “Where’s Baby Thumper?” (We’ve picked a name). And by that she means where is she already, why isn’t she here yet? To that I respond, “She’ll be here in May,” only to be met with a confused, “What’s May?”

Right. She’s two. With the surprisingly big-kid-like conversations we share, especially preschool gossip like who was in the timeout chair and who pooped in the potty that day, sometimes I forget. She just recently grasped the concept of yesterday, today and tomorrow - “Yay, we’re going to the restaurant tomorrow!” Yup, she’s definitely mine alright, although I can’t imagine it’s the food that gets her eyes twinkling. Who knows, maybe that will come someday too.

Together with her sister, Little Miss will no doubt have a few surprises in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, I’ll distract myself by making more lists. Or I could at least try to complete this one.

Maybe you can help?

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