Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's not me, it's you - or is it?

This is part of Momalom's Five-for-Ten series, where a group of bloggers write about the same five topics in 10 days. This post responds to the fifth and final topic, Yes.

So much can be said with Yes, the last Five-for-Ten topic, yet nothing comes to mind. And I thought Lust was difficult. Actually it was - I had written a different post altogether. But I was late in my submission from a busy weekend and I managed to catch a few posts of the same topic from fellow bloggers. I was startled by the fact that very few people actually wrote about the sexual nature of lust. Most opted to lust for specific foods, a certain aspect of life, and objects both tangible and intangible.  I started to panic. The PG-13 nature of the lust posts made me rethink my own strategy - did I dare voice the one thing that's on everyone's mind but not their blog posts?

Apparently, if you caught my last entry, you'll know that the answer is No. I scribbled a cop-out post in 30 minutes and went with that instead. With my homage to a piece of meat (as in for dinner), there was no rocking of boats from my end. I was safe, albeit a little disappointed with myself. It wasn't just what the others weren't saying that influenced my decision, but the post I prepared contained elements that would make certain people in my life fidget uncomfortably in their seats. They might even furrow their brow. I wasn't being purposefully incendiary; in fact, I think "the post that wasn't" turned out rather mild. However, I'm sure not everyone will agree.

Frivolous young love, foolish desires, S.E.X. are taboo where I'm from, and to write about them? Unfathomable. I'm not saying I wrote about sex (although I don't personally think there's anything wrong with that either) but knowing that I have family members, friends, coworkers (even my boss!) reading this, I just can't dive in unedited. Or can I? I've grappled with this for awhile now: Am I the keeper of their feelings? If the post isn't even about them, am I still culpable for hurt feelings or offenses because I crossed their boundaries even though I'm well within mine? Should my audience be able to edit my thoughts, and ultimately my words?

Gentle reader, here is what I would like to say to you: You are here by your own volition, and if you delight in being privy to these diverse facets of me - ones you don't often see - you have to be open to seeing all of them, and not just what you are prepared to see. You'd like me to be cautious with your sensitive soul but would you believe me if I say I'm neither here to hurt nor offend you? I just want to write as I think, not as you think I should. I have thoughts buried deep within me that feel as though they require your permission to be unearthed. It also seems that I have to apologize for how I live my life, and that stifles my passion to write. I know that part doesn't concern you, but it does me. I want to be able to write honestly, but sometimes, you can be so touchy, so judgy. I'm asking you to please stop.

This isn't always about you. In fact, it never was. This is about me.


Find other perspectives on this topic through Momalom.

p.s. Due to the Momalom series, I will be posting on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday of this week. I will be back on my regular MWF schedule next week.