Monday, December 21, 2009

Mommy Guilt.

I'm off all week for Christmas, and I was looking forward to spending some quality time with Little Miss at home but being the procrastinator that I am, I also had a bunch of Christmas shopping and general errands to get to this same week. I was ambitious enough to think that I could drag her along with me on my adventures except things quickly went south after I hatched my plans. Little Miss started with Pink Eye last Thursday and just when she got better, she came down with a cold and another tooth was erupting. Quite the jackpot of a weekend. She learned the word up to signal she'd like to be picked up, which is normally the cutest thing but when she's sick, she's extra needy (aren't we all?), and so she's been following me around the house, demanding "Uh!" "Uh!".

When the week was here for us to spend time together, all I wanted to do was find a hole in which to hibernate. Sans baby. And of course I felt guilty about that. Her daddy made me promise that I would take her to daycare on Monday just so I could have the time to run my errands without her and to take some time just for myself. What an alien concept. I had never done this before - left her at daycare when I wasn't working - and it was undoubtedly difficult for me. Like riding a bike for the first time. However, she was still that same needy kid this morning, and I really just wanted to enjoy her and our time together, and when her daddy came home, I wanted him to come home to a happy, unfrazzled me.  So I did it. With a heavy heart, I dropped her off at daycare, but I also managed to get everything done and even went home to take a shower before going back for Little Miss.

When I walked in the house without Little Miss, my cleaning lady, who was there all morning, was alarmed, "Where's baby?" When I told her I dropped her off at daycare, she nodded, feebly hiding her disapproval. I wanted to defend myself -- her dad made me! -- but really, why did I even need to bother? Don't judge me. Wait till I sic her on you as you're trying to get your shit done and she's following you around, demanding "Uh!" "Uh!" "Uh!". Of course, that thought of "unleashing my baby on someone" made me feel guilty too -- geez, I might as well be Catholic!

So here I am, freshly showered, with all my errands for the day accomplished. I smell good, the house is clean, and I am ready for Little Miss. She may still be a bear, and she may still want to attach herself to my hips, knees or whatever body parts she comes in contact with, but I will have all the time in the world for that and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, I failed at being super mom, so I feel a small pang of guilt but honestly, I'd rather be a little less superhero and a little more human just so Little Miss can see and savor the best of me.

I'm glad I did this. I realize now that not only did I save my own sanity with a few hours of me time, in the end, I also saved my family.